A Balancing Act

Life is never straight forward nor is it ever easy. It is very easy to allow yourself to become overwhelmed and bitter about things. It is far harder to push through and search for the light in very circumstance.

I was contacted a few days ago by a lovely lady who tragically has become seriously unwell since being near the pandas in China - like myself. (Which is a clear warning to BECAREFUL around the pandas in China!) She has given up work and is now bedridden. We spoke in length and I tried to advise her in the best way I could, if only I had a magic wand. I wish. She finished our conversation by saying I gave her hope because I am now doing well and able to work/do more. So in her eyes I am 'better.' I tried to explain, it is very complicated and it isn't black and white. I am not 'better' nor am I cured. I have just worked HARD to accept, adapt and build a life despite my health. I haven't and will never just sit and wait for the sun to shine, we have to become the sun.

Her words have stayed with me.

As always it has been an up and down time recently. Life has become extremely difficult with the symptoms I am experiencing. I am never one to be defeated however, and I am always 'there', always 'up', always working on something. That is just my DNA, the only cells that the bacteria can't change. It hasn't been easy, the realisation that it is all so much more difficult as time goes on, is so hard to come to terms with. I want to be proactive, productive and making the most of my time. I want to be the life and soul, but recently I am just so exhausted by my symptoms, life is just a struggle to get through without the added energy to be bouncing the walls and the stamina to do a long, long day.

Remember, I am human. Sunday was my breaking point of the week. Liverpool had been beyond tough. I was beginning to realise that I no longer fit in, with that environment. I used to love the company and conversations. I still do, I adore it. I just don't have the stamina to keep conversation flowing and talking for hours on end. I begin to get foggy, tire and begin getting mixed up. I find this so embarrassing and I don't want people to see this side of me. So, it's human nature you avoid and isolate yourself, to protect that image of the person you want people to know. I was so exhausted and down about how the week had gone that when Sunday's events were disaster I was down. I needed A GOOD CRY. I was fed up. I felt trapped. I didn't know how to escape, how to make things better.

This week hasn't been much better. I have tried to be productive to keep my mind busy. To keep my focus. Remind myself I do have a purpose. I can save not just myself but my loved ones. I tired quickly however, so I have only managed a few hours here and there doing the likes of my blog, emails and so on. Before I hit the mental wall. I have buried my head. My weight has gone down which is also a massive knock, and emotionally upsetting. It's just a reminder how much I am NOT coping with these stomach symptoms. Maybe, it is a blessing that my pre-op is today and next Thursday more investigations will be done. If nothing shows up, quite honestly I don't know what I will do. I guess we have to deal with that when we come to it. After months of battling with this, it isn't just emotionally draining but SO physically draining too. I am not silly, I don't have my head in the clouds. I know there isn't a miracle and I am fully aware my health is very complex in so many ways but I just want a bit of Sophie back because it is killing me that I feel like I am losing her again, as life becomes even more difficult when I had just got a grip on my circumstances. I want to enjoy events, have the stamina to hack them and add the enjoyment of being 'out' and around company back into my life. Instead of being in contant pain, that you just want to hibernate and cry with.

Despite these upsetting negatives, as always it is important to end and highlight the positives. I have been contacted by Voice America, for an interview at 9pm for 30 minutes, over the phone on Monday. Which is super exciting and to top it off, the CEO of the company will be interviewing me, which is a bit of an honour. They stream to 140 countries worldwide and is the leading producer, distributor, and online broadcaster of original live and on demand talk radio programming worldwide. They deliver hundreds of original programs weekly through eight branded channels: VoiceAmerica Variety, VoiceAmerica Empowerment, VoiceAmerica Health & Wellness, VoiceAmerica Business, VoiceAmerica Sports, VoiceAmerica INFLUENCERS , VoiceAmerica Kids, and VoiceAmerica Women. So I am SO grateful to them, and looking forward to the interview.

I am also on BBC radio Lancashire on Tuesday (my actual release date) at 2.45pm which I am also very excited about and grateful to Gilly for kindly inviting me back.

I am very lucky and I will never discredit that.

I show a strong person who 90 per cent of the time, seems fine and has it together. People don't see the tears that flow like rivers, the pain and destress of not just the physical pain but also the emotional pain as your confidence is knocked, you become a person you haven't fought so hard NOT to become.

I can't put yesterday down however, I have to focus on the good and keep as positive as humanly possible. I feel my work reflects my own experiences and I find living with chronic illness as everyone does SO DIFFICULT. I am hoping I can nail the chronic illness lifestyle and offer you all the best support I can give. It is important to show we are all in this together and not alone. We also hve to remember we only get ONE shot at life and DESERVE to live it to the fullest. We learn on the job and we learn something new everyday. I hope I can keep the light as bright as possible.

Here's to the glamourous lifestyle - it's hospital time.

BUT BACK ON CHORLEY FM TOMORROW FROM 1PM - YAY! TUNE IN!

Thank you,

Sophie

xoxo

#lymedisease #interviews #americatravel #Chronichealth