According to an online test I am:
'You're A Mover, Shaker, Empire Maker
Your special sauce is shaking things up. Your adventurous soul is willing to suspend fear and move forward ruthlessly toward your goals.
You trudge toward your dream life regardless of obstacles or what others say or think.
This is how empires are made.
You’re on your way to bringing your bold vision fully into the limelight.
Go you! You started from scratch with a pile of ingredients and you’ve gone on to create a four-course -meal that people happily shell out their hard earned dollars for.
Comparisonitis hits you hard because you’re at a place where people are actually seeing your stuff. You’re not just invisible anymore and this new level comes with its own set of challenges.
You embrace it but that inner-most voice rises above the critic in your mind and so you continue to put one foot in front of the other taking imperfect action.
Okay Empire Maker, you’re likely dealing with a whole bevy of hurdles— from perfectionism, work-a-holic tendencies, and rollercoaster cash flow, to fear of being vulnerable, judged, or trolled (ugh, I feel your pain).'
To be fair in a lot of ways, it has hit the nail on the head.
I am a little fearless in some ways, I have started from scratch and I am fighting hard to learn more skills, to be the best possible person I can be and despite my health still live a life that I am passionate about. Work not being seen as work, but just purely passion.
Taking a break when you are spinning all the plates yourself is just not an option. Sure, I have tried. It works for a day or two. You manage to distract your attentions and focus on other things but ultimately this is short lived. Anxieties, and that overwhelming drowning feeling creeps in.
Although I enjoy the content I produce and give out to the world, it is difficult. It difficult to keep those plates spinning, especially when you are having an 'off' day and I spend 99.9 per cent of my time in stress mode and feeling overwhelmed. Which I know deep down isn't healthy.
Why do I do it all?
I do it all because I want to prove a point. Prove that I am not invisible, worthless or simply a let down. A failure that deserves to be pushed into the corner and silenced. I am already the black sheep of the family, due to my health and my career choices in life. Some days this bothers me, others it just motivates me.
Health can change our mindset in my ways. We understand how short life is and how important it is to live for us. I spent many years 'people pleasing.' It is a habit I still battle with. I find it difficult and heart-breaking being the person to let people down. I've done it through my life, so to me how can I make the decision when I am given it to actively let people down. You begin to learn however that you sacrifice so much more by doing this. People who matter will ALWASY understand but you can't waste precious time sacrificing your own happiness when you already deal with so much pain which is beyond your control. You DESERVE to be a happy as possible.
When life flashes in front of you eyes you really do begin to see all the regrets, all the what if's and should have done's come back to haunt you . You kick yourself for allowing outside voice influence your decisions, choices and life.
A few weeks ago I wrapped up series one of my podcast: CHRONIC BUT ICONIC, which was a FANTASTIC SERIES and is still being streamed now which warms my heart and( for anyone who wants to tune in, you can via APPLE PODCASTS, ANCHOR, RADIO PODCAST, SPOTIFY and many other platforms for FREE.) I actively decided that now would be the best time to take a break, enjoy the summer. Take a time out.
I soon realised that this wasn't as easy as I had planned out in my mind. As I have been planning series two I realised that I need to regain my blogging game because I had neglected the platform that kick started all this for several months. I need to build on my social media platforms, to keep posting, keep engaging in my audience so I wouldn't simply fade away. Forgetting how much time, effort and confidence this takes. I am not confident by any means and people forget how brave, courage and confident you have to be to be open, honest and share you world literally WITH THE WORLD.
I am by no means a pro in any aspect of the work I do. I am not a creative writer or have a degree, I am not a professional public speaker, I simply talk from the heart & experience, I am not a social media whiz and I am no fashion model. I am learning on the job and despite ENDLESS research, advice channels and professional blogs I still find myself stuck in darkness.
If I am quite frank this week has been a dark week. New supplements are making me sick as a dog & my emotions just seem everywhere. I find it difficult to manage everything. Trying to split the work, socialising and mindful activities up across my day to keep balance. I can't socialise, because I feel so unwell and I am so exhausted from all the stress and overthinking (no doubt) and mindful activities are difficult to focus on with all the overthinking going on and the guilt of not working more to 'ace' and iron out all these problems.
Being a one man team is amazing when everything is going smoothly and ticking on nicely, but it's hell when you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Getting heavier by the day. Everything goes dark. Even though you have had your spade out, digging for days you don't seem to be making any progress. Too tired to even really feel or appreciate any small victories.
The darkness creeps like poison. It burns, it comes in pain waves that you can't seem to get relief from. What do you do? What do you do, really? For the most part I admittedly cry. In public I may have it together - but secretly I rarely do. I am barely holding it all together if we are being real and honest. We have a short period of running, as all we want is to throw the towel in. Give up, give in. What's the point you wonder? You aren't moving forward. Everything in all areas of your life seem to be slipping away from you. You cling, because you have lost so much already, how much more can you possibly take? Just for a moment you see everything that gives you purpose and your main source of motivation begin to fade away the sheer panic is an emotion you can't simply shake off. Not at all. No matter what you do, that poison is pumping through your veins.
You rest and have a little bit of a clearer mind, so you decide today that maybe you can continue to fight. You have worked so hard to reach where you are now, how can we consider running? It isn't really an option. Despite our health, despite our health, kindness and wise words are priceless. Whether it through my words RIGHT HERE, my podcast, my videos or my social media platforms. I have to keep hope that my content is helping at least ONE person and maybe expecting to help millions, change the world and anything less is seen as a failure is just asking the demons & inner critics to kick start a full blown war.
So, here I am today. Sick as a dog, a fogged and complex mind, pain drills through all my muscles, bones and tissues, my heart broken like glass. Failing to make events and public appearances, through sheer fear of not coping, being a let down, not fitting in and being the 'boring, pain in the bum.' Chronic illness makes you an annoyance, the uncool kid on the block. My body can't take it today never mind my soul. I feel battered, I feel confused, I feel annoyed but somehow I am pushing myself to gain motivation from this 'testing' week.
I don't have to 'fit in', I have to be at peace with the person I am. I don't earn a pay-check from the work I do, or the hours I put in but maybe that isn't a weakness. As everyone should realise that all my work, help and advice comes from the heart, with no strings attached, no clock watching or time limits. I will help anyone. I don't want anyone going through the hell I go through, I know what a prison it is and fully understand chronic illness. People can call me what they want, 'lazy', 'let down,' 'boring,' and so on. Labels and judgements kill us, they are scars that never fully heal but we have to check in with ourselves and know in our heart of hearts who we are. At the end of the day, they are lucky. Lucky to not understand this hell because they haven't walked in our shoes. Rather than judging us, they should be counting their own lucky stars.
To finish, I simply hope this post is helpful, hits home in some ways, helps you relate and find comfort. We are all fighting, more than we probably realise. It isn't easy and even on the dark days, somehow we rise.
And I leave you with the thought- are you the badass, black sheep trying to build an empire to help as many people as you can?