I wanted to travel the world so I could understand the world better, life better and most importantly myself better. I couldn't get to grips or accept the pain and suffering I was harbouring deep inside my core. More to the point I didn't understand the real root of the problem. I couldn't speak out about my thoughts and feelings because I felt beyond bonkers. Nobody could understand, if I couldn't understand myself. It was clear to me very early on that life was never going to go to plan and no matter how hard I worked I wasn't immune to heart-ache, pain, failing health and challenges. Not that I ever lived in a dream world, but I had more hope and faith in fate. I believed that even if I questioned my own strength somehow all would be ok and the pain would finally fade away. The pain is like a fire that won't extinguish however, no matter how much water is tipped over it the flames continue to blaze and are heightened when the atmosphere is on it's side. I would always question, what crime did I commit to suffer all this pain? I must of been on the 'most wanted' list for years to have all these challenges pushed my way.
Challenges I felt I was unable to cope with and overcome.
I was wrong to allow my mind to drift into this darkness. Travelling, seeing, meeting and talking to people gave me hope and placed me in a more knowledgeable and positive frame of mind. How? Simple.. I realised that our character are what makes us who we are and how we are remembered.
During my years of travel and soul-searching my health continued to decline. No longer was I the fit, strong athlete that people were used to seeing. I had become weak and frail. The walking dead.
I spent many days, and many nights crying. Crying about my loss of self, defining myself by my outer shell because I knew so many were judging me. Yet, I had to walk out everyday - brave smile painted on and had to act as if 'I had it all together.'
People are quick to judge and it is very sad, but its the reality. It is the same across the board, throughout society and all walks of life.
The more people I spoke to and had the confidence ( a big one for me ) to meet, I saw and appreciate more than people's outer shells. It is what lies deep within that truly matters.
A kind heart and a motivational fire that burns bright within the soul. Those were the qualities that really mattered.
Anyone can be a pretty face but not everyone can really 'listen' to people and make a mark / difference in the world.
I felt that writing and being open would be the beginning of healing my own soul as well as others, if I was open like I had with the people I had spoken to and met, people may come forward who can relate and so help me understand what the hell was going on with my body.
Blogging, I am not a professional. I built my blog and website up from nothing and designed it myself. It isn't high tech and all bells and whistles. It is however -me. At first I just played around with different recipes not really understanding how open I could be or what people enjoyed reading. Sharing products I enjoyed and recipes I loved was fun but I got far more enjoyment and self-healing by using my blog as a 'release'. Sharing my experiences, thoughts and stories because people DID relate and they found comfort from hearing my stories, who like I did felt a little bonkers.
I got such a buzz from writing that I no longer kept up my diary, blogging everyday was the healing and soul soothing I needed.
Of course, I attempt and endeavour to write everyday but can't always put out content or lengthy content. Due to health and busy schedules. That's ok, as long as I enjoy writing and my readers enjoy reading!!
Within my on blog and offering my silly little poems to Lyme Disease UK , in hope expressing my hurt and pain but also positive thoughts within a poem would help sufferers, I found work for the Lyme Disease UK my daily medicine. We work around the clock by offering others love and support is something that really does give me a self of purpose and worth.
As time goes on, I am slowly finding my feet in world I never imagined I would be in.
A world not full of freedom and joy, a world often filled with pain but cherishing and practicing gratitude to make the very best of the precious time I have.
I am more accepting of my weaknesses and try to highlight my strengths so that we keep a positive mindset and that drive to make myself the best person possible. I am beginning to realise that although society and the media are guilty of painting a picture of how life should be, what the life plan is that is expected of you - it's not reality. We are our own people and choose our own paths. Fate, of course plays a role but nobody or anything can affect your inner soul and that's something to really remember.
We only have a short amount of time on Earth and to be honest I don't want to be remembered as the shy, underconfident, quiet girl I was back in the day. I want to have left deep footprints and even if I haven't been able to protect myself or saved myself, I have managed to protect and save others! That's how I hoped to be remembered.
My blog is important and a place to add all the achievements and steps forward we collectively take and personally take because we suffer from a very invisible, isolating and debilitating disease. It is the same with ANY chronic illness, we feel lost and a failure. It is important to showcase victories not just for ourselves and our own mental health but to be an ambassador to others!! To be a positive role model and empower others that our dreams and life plans may not always go as planned but it doesn't mean with some soul-searching, bravery, courage, determination and strength that we can't do some truly wonderful things and brighten the world.
I am a very lucky girl, I have an amazing support system and a great life - I know that. My circumstances and challenges aren't always simple and can cause more upset and sadness that words can even begin to explain. But if I am remembered as a silly, writer that wrote from the heart, making people smile, empowered people and changed the world for the better -- I will be the luckiest girl to ever live.
I hope my journey so far is helpful and proof to you that we can make the best of any situation, we go searching for the key but really its been in our hands the whole time.
It's about appreciating the moments, rather than planning and cherishing the people in the moments rather than focusing on the all the negatives that try to surround us.
You can catch all my interview via the links below:
If you are having trouble, hit the LYME DISEASE UK YOUTUB CHANNEL, to get all the interview there and don't forget to show some love and subscribe. Thank you!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fz_xxanck2Y&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXmQ8mkutXQ
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6nlt38
Keep shining!
S
xoxox