When I first moved into my house -I felt a sense of somewhat relief.
Since my swimming days, my prom had been the last real time I felt beautiful I enjoyed a few 'peaceful' years after school. Once again, at school I never seemed to fit in. I know I wanted a Cinderella dress, yet nobody else was going for the puffy look.. you know me, any excuse to dress up and count me in! I went all out. I knew the dress was the one I wanted instantly, yet I won't lie I was nervous about wearing it. Was I brave enough to be different? I did it and boy am I glad, so many people made comments on my dress and so what if I looked overdressed? I wanted to feel like a princess - once again to hide harbouring sadness.
I spent the years after finishing school trying to find my feet. I was lucky enough to find and experience love but also I experienced working in events which I loved, but once again had to give up to due to my health.
This is was a dark time in many ways. The only thing that kept me going was the love if I am truly honest. I missed travelling the world with sport and being so independent. I no longer had my breaks away. I was always home. At first my depression did get the better of me - I am guilty of turning to alcohol to numb some of my pain.* I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS AND IT DOES NOT WORK OR HELP*!
I tried to escape - so unsure about what to do and what the future held for me. During this time I tried to use my hobbies of cooking and baking to aid my pain. Cooking for myself and ( anyone who would allow me to make food for them) gave me a sense of purpose. I had such fun making up recipes, looking them up and putting my heart and soul into them. I would spend, hours and hours.
Then my house, the house I always wanted came up for sale, it was FATE. I had been in a relationship for almost three years and we practically lived together anyhow. It seemed the perfect timing and something that was coming at the right time for me.
What I tried to do was once again, block out the pain, hurt and sadness. I ignored the warning signs of bad health so much. I couldn't keep up with the house decorating. I tired quickly, decisions were difficult because my brain and mind were always so foggy and I couldn't lift my arm up to paint for any length of time. It got to the point that Matthew and my Mum were doing all the work on the house I should have been more involved in. I tried to be diplomatic and allow all parties to help make decisions but that too was causing tensions.
I was reaching the point that going to the house was causing me a lot of stress and somewhat sadness that I couldn't hack doing more there.
It broke down my relationship... which still causes my inner soul a lot of sadness, but maybe it was the right thing to do. My health was declining, I was declining. I was trying to build up a life that seemed 'normal', like I had it together and was a proper adult, not falling apart. I was falling apart however.
For years I tried to hold it together, look like I had a grip of adult life and life in general.
People who questioning myself and my health -- always looking guilty of being a drama queen and a trouble maker because I couldn't answer, WHY, WHY I felt so unwell, looked unwell and wasn't stepping up to the mark when it came to life.
During the years of being 20-23.. my somewhat normal life from the outside began to show cracks that I couldn't hide or 'fill in'. I was deeply down by the fact I had so many wonderful plans for life, I wanted to do this and that, yet my body was failing me. The pain making everything become such a task, even the enjoyable things were becoming hard work! Food intolerances meant I couldn't cook and bake the same anymore.
I couldn't cope with being on my feet all the time baking and cooking.
I couldn't eat out with ease.
lost my confidence behind the wheel.
House work and running the home was getting way too much for me.
I couldn't lift heavy pans and tools.
I couldn't be a good girlfriend, I wasn't fulfilling the role and embarrassment led me to end things.
I was an embarrassment to my family and causing them so much pain, upset and stress that I didn't know how to shield them from.
I isolated myself a lot - my house was my haven.
A place where I cried, felt lonely, felt like I couldn't go on and a place that still proved I was a part of life.
I looked independent..
In many ways I was.
I can't begin, to explain how I used to DREAD getting up for appointments and going food shopping, even getting in my car.
There would be many, many days I would get up at the crack of dawn and go to Sainsbury's at 7.30am! Why? Because I knew how ill I felt, I couldn't deal with the roads been busy when I didn't feel confident driving and I didn't want Sainsbury's to be busy. Busy places, alone - freak me out! I am struggling to function as it is, I can't watch other people and what they are doing too.
I would stock pile things, in case - in case I SIMPLY couldn't make it to the supermarket. I was too ashamed to ask for help - I was a 20 year old girl. Yet, so many times I would go and unlock the door, and then lock it again. Scared of going out. Being in the house too long also caused many issues because I reached a point that I lost confidence and questioned if I could hide the pain from others if I stepped outside. I always did push myself to go out and of course I had commitments to honour, but I was a wreck - there isn't any way to sugar coat it.
Now mostly living back at my Mum's does help. I panic if I have to go to my own house for any length of time. Often if I go for the weekend I can feel myself fall into that trap where the outside world becomes a fear... can I make it out the door and back into real life?
My Mum and I try and go out everyday just to do little bits and pieces but its a short period of time that helps prevent that fear building up. I know it still haunts me and its a dark place that I REALLY try not to fall into.
**
Travel… travel was my new medicine.
My house had provided me with a haven and walls that I could hide behind. I knew it was unhealthy for my soul and that becoming too reliant on my house wasn't good for my anxieties. I never really thought about travelling, I had done a lot with swimming but it couldn't really count as 'TRAVELLING.'
I went on the business' study tour on the East Coast of America back in 2014. This was where something in me was unlocked. I enjoyed watching reality TV to watch how people interreact with one another and dealt with situations to help myself learn how to deal with things better. Well travelling helped you unlock and learn cultures and people 100 times more than reality TV. I needed to know and learn more. By travelling you met and listened to people's stories, you saw firs hand how they dealt with life and their cultures.
I began to understand life a little more and how to make the best of it because time is ever precious. I began to realise that whatever was happening to me was a part of my story. I had to try and teach others as the people who I had met, deal with their circumstances and problems in a positive way. That I wasn't the only one in the world struggling and facing pain. It wasn't a weakness, so many were suffering and maybe by sharing my own experiences I could help heal others as well as soothe my own pain because I would learn more. Knowledge being so very powerful and the key to so many doors.
I realised that I enjoyed adult company because they taught me so much about the life I was trying so hard to figure out. It wasn't about getting drunk and staying out until 7am with a blank memory. It didn't matter that I didn't fall into that 'judgement' that 20's something's should be out doing all that jazz. I was learning and gaining far more from my time. I was still having fun and enjoying myself because I thrived from the lessons I was learning. I was just enjoying my time outside the 'norm'. I didn't feel out of place or mismatched around adults company either. They spoke about subjects I knew lots about and it was more about 'real' life not just silly, pointless dramas.
I realised that maybe my focus should be on doing what I thrive off, with the people that 'got me' so that I wasn't having to overthink things, worry about not fitting and so on. It eliminated so many stresses for me and that tour, I simply didn't want to come back home. Once again fearful that things would go back to how they were before and find myself in a rut.
I had found many keys on that trip and I HAD to find the doors that the fit into.
I became travel mad.
It was during this time I began to realise that I was battling something that was forcing me to feel such a massive amount of pain but it was forcing me to be a stronger person. I realised that nobody is immune to pain and heartache. EVERYONE has and is going through their own personal battles. I had to accept mine and be open about them so I could help others feel less alone. I was clinging onto being 'normal' but failing to see that I have never been 'normal' and despite trying to fit in, I never fell in the trap of becoming a clone. Feeling out of place and lost had caused me a lot of unrest but I was always true to myself and I knew that was always the right decision and option to take.
I began realising and having faith in the strength I was gaining. I cried behind the scenes but I had the strength to hold it together in public. I had seen my rise and my dramatic fall. I faced harsh, cruel judgements and questions I simply didn't have the answers too. Somehow, despite it all I was still standing. I had to use my weaknesses as positives - for my own sanity and to protect others from the pain and suffering I battled and continued to battle with everyday.
Writing had always been a way of explaining my symptoms and I kept diaries after reading Monroe's red diary and seeing how it was a relief for her to get her problems out onto a page and not allow them to eat away at her, like I had done for many years. I then began my blog. At first just playing around with cakes I had made and recipes I had cooked. Purely, because I liked the idea of writing but I was still fearful of being open and raw.. Of course I didn't have the readers or the followers I do now, but still the internet meant WORLDWIDE. Everything would be out there for the world to see.
It meant my walls really would have to come down and I would have to find the strength and bravery to admit my struggles and pain.. I had to put myself on the line to protect and help others. That desire to save, protect and empower others made me push my own insecurities to one side as the desire and passion was far more important to me than myself.
To be continued ..