It’s the weekend, and after a super busy week it’s fair to say I have struggled with today. Many of you will be out partying or running around Christmas shopping no doubt.
The realities of pain and life being far from a breeze hits you like a tonne of bricks when your energy levels are flagging. I have always been someone who wants to be doing all the time.. have a project on the go, be travelling, have appointments despite sometimes feeling too tired or poorly. I am forever fighting my ill health and ‘acting’ as if my body does not suffer with a chronic disease. I know my limitations and I understand I have to pace. I struggle so much with the concept of pacing.
In my mind my ‘To Do List’ is always far longer than the hours in the day. I set out tasks with the time allocation of a normal, fast and sharp person. Not a slow mind, weak body and slow person. A task I plan will take an hour, often takes two or three. So yes I always feel behind in my tasks.
This morning my body was weak. I could feel it struggling yesterday but always dismiss the signs. In hope that my body is simply ‘having a moment’ and will bounce back. Will I ever learn?
I had such an amazing night on Thursday night. Eating and laughing along with fabulous company. That I didn’t want to engage with the symptoms I was now experiencing due to enjoying myself. I don’t want to admit to myself and my body that these moments & times that are everyday and so simple for others is so complex for me. I want to be normal like them.
I always look at my brother and how manic his social life is - out clubbing, cinema, Christmas markets, meals out and more. He never stops and loves life. And I look at businessmen within the business who joke about living off coffee because they are always working. I want and expect that for myself.
I want to be working and getting opportunities, projects and more and I want to be out socialising all the time.
I have adapted in many ways to try and be as close to the above as possible.
Spending hours on projects and hoping good comes from them from home and I try not cram too many socialising events in, in one go.
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My mood today as been a bit tested because of this blip. I didn’t even think I would post today.
My body was aching, my stomach so sore it feels bruised and my head banging.
I am struggling with people talking.. too many people talking at once. I struggle remembering and getting out what I want to say at the best of times. When there is the noise from the telly, background noise, talking. My mind just shuts down. I begin going dizzy and it makes me feel very sick.
I am hoping this isn’t a new symptom.
I had a number of things I wanted to do today but have not got through so many.
Look at how late this post is for one.
When I got home I was so delighted about being home, around my loved ones and I was just happy and relieved.
Now, even though I am still so pleased to be home and ( don’t tell them this ) but enjoying being around my family. The reality that my pain is still here is hard to swallow.
There is no rest from the pain.
God I wish there was! Then we would be partying all night.
On days like this when I feel more on edge because my symptoms are worse and I feel my day has been less productive I think about the successes that have come from this week and all the things I have done this week that we’re very productive. I hope I don’t feel so bad for a less productive day.
I feel stressed, your mind races as you question everything and yourself.
In hospital the paitents in there no longer had any drive or focus.. it was almost like they didn’t mind anymore about being unwell.
I watched many around their loved ones when they came to visit.
One girl who sat near me had her sister come a visit. She was so different when her sister was here, more chatty and upbeat. The rest of the time she was quite negative and closed off.
She had made her sister a Christmas bauble. Her sister looked at it and said your penguins right arm is double the length of its left.
I was making a cup of tea at the time and on hearing this comment was quite upset.
These paitents self-esteem’s are rock bottom as it is, they have taken the time to make these Christmas gifts for their loved ones and need their support to want to get better. Their loved ones putting them down is only going to lead them to feel more worthless. I said to the woman, everyone is unique and different - normal is boring, that penguin is awesome. Not all Christmas baubles are that awesome. She began falling over her own words and he husbands answered for her, saying that indeed my statement was true.
I left them on that note.
It doesn’t matter if we are poorly or well, an artist or a builder, a runner or a golfer. Our uniqueness is what it is important.
People and myself included need to appreciate every success- big or small, every creation - in a creative way or life, time spent- relaxing or working is unique to us.
As long as we spend the time as we want and need to spend it and we create what we are driven to produce, then that’s all that matters.
It’s not about who works the most hours or who’s art work is more colourful. Our lives, our talents, our success and our failures are unique to us and what make you-you.
So yes, today is a little gloomy. It’s been a quieter day.
I’ve relaxed but also spilled my creative side on to paper.
So not all is lost.
My silly creations ( to me) will hopefully bring others joy.
And tomorrow..
is a new day.
Please always so kindness to others and champion them in their work.
Your few motivational and kind words can make all the difference in such a positive way.
I say time and time again on here how all of your lovely comments & support help me so very much.
An thank you SO much.
Have a blessed weekend, with loved ones.
S
Xoxo
