Living but feel like you are dying.
I am used to feeling like the walking dead but this is really getting silly to put it nicely.
After being denied food for a week I got two meals yesterday. Not foods that I can tolerate either just whatever was on the menu.
It’s fair to say it didn’t touch the sides because I was so incredibly hungry.
You may think perfect we are finally on meals. We aren’t that lucky today, all I have been allowed is a banana, abit of dried fruit ( I mean a bit!!) and four chunks of pineapple. Along with the drink.
It’s getting ridiculous.
I know my Mum speaking professor knows how badly I am being treated and my case is being handled in here. He was beyond fuming. With the level of care and the ignorance towards my ill health. Feeding me everything I can’t and should not be eating, especially when all my Lyme medications have been taken from me and they won’t administer them.
So my health is decreasing not increasing.
This morning I ‘scored’ five times. Scoring means my levels are under or over ‘normal’. Mine of course being under.
When I admitted myself my blood pressure was 105 though it was recorded at 9am this morning as 78.
They can’t understand why my temperature is so low, because they don’t understand Lyme.
The nurses didn’t know what to do because my scores weren’t improving simply with time ( why would they.) Despite needing retesting again I haven’t been retested because I’ve already filled out the whole sheet for today with all the extra testing.
I was told that my ECG would now be every other day yesterday - yet they called me in for one today!!
They won’t give me my blood results or give me any medical health information which isn’t right. If my health is okay, why am I having to have all these extra tests.
The food they provide is far from balanced. They swear they give you everything your body needs - yet they run out of nuts and nuts aren’t a normal snack. Crisps, chocolate, toast or cereal are the options.
Where’s the flax seeds, healthy nuts, pulses and so on.
Today’s lunch of course for me was yet again the drink but for most it was a hot buffet.
Which consisted of samoas, onion bhajjs, fries, deep fried chicken.
Where are the fruits and veggies?
They only make a rare appearance.
In the group session where suggestions and complaints are read out, it was brought up that a number of patients had gone days without important med’s because they hadn’t been reordered! How is that acceptable? It blows my mind. It’s hell.
I received a lovely package from Natalie ( thank you lovely!) with a lovely mug and colouring book. But I was told to go into the lounge and open it infront of members of staff. They had to see what I was opening and what was in the box to ensure it wasn’t food or drugs. It’s feels so ridiculous and you feel under so much pressure. A delight turns into an anxiety activity. Worrying if you are going to have a gift taken from you.
I really do not know how much more of this is possible to take.
I feel awful, yet I am still trying so hard to be cheery, positive and talkactive with staff & paitents.
Yet why is it always me. Always me.
I am tired and I feel beyond **** . Yet I try my best not to let it show to try to support others.
I have to learn that especially here it’s definitely the case of his own man’s battle. Nobody is willing to support or offer help to anyone else. You are lucky if you get a ‘Hi, how were you visitors today.’
It’s not like the swimming days when everyone was a team and you motivated yourself as well as your team mates. Cheering them on and celebrating their successes.
I am so not used to this negative environment. So you have all your symptoms to deal with, you are far away from home, friends and family, you are hungry, negativity surrounds you and so you are bound to feel sad yourself.
Today, as they do everyday they have a work of the ‘grounds’ ( like we are in jail!) at 10am and 2pm. I didn’t go on either. I have no desire to go outside. My mood is too low, my body is too tired and my symptoms are too flared.
Knowing that tomorrow night is the next known meal I am going to get is a scary thought. I am beyond hungry. Beyond.
Yet.. what can I do.
I have to hope that time flies and 16 hours will go quickly.
My hope is decreasing, rapidly.
We will see what tonight brings.
How I wish Matthew wasn’t coming here to visit tonight but that we were at the cinema with all our yummy snacks like a normal Wednesday.
Such little pleasures and luxuries that I am guilty of taking for granted but right now want more than ever.
Again, thank you for all the messages, gifts ( which really, please don’t go to the effort for me)
With you all in spirit.