These past few days have been some of the hardest of my entire life so far.
I’m starving.
I came to hospital to feel better and get well. Yet I am so hungry and feel incredibly unwell.
I have been on a liquid diet since being here only having a banana and 8 nuts.
To make things worse the drink of course has oil in and my throat is done and gone. It’s so swollen and sore.
Each time I drink the drink I feel brain fogged, stomach ache, sickness and sore throat. Yet it’s my only option and I have to drink it 7 times a day. Could you do that to yourself?
I am feeling awful. And having to walk into the dining room with smells of toast, chocolate, main dishes and watching everyone else eat whilst you sit there with a 50ml of drink & only 150ml of a drink of choice. Is beyond hard.
Then you have trying to be social and engaging with other patients. Which is hard when you own mind is so foggy that stringing sensible sentences that make sense together is really tough. To be cheery when you are swollening tears.
They are now panicking because I am becoming poorly with my temperature rising and they can’t understand why. Though they have been giving me something for three days now that my body is intolerant to and so my immune system is trying to attack it. My body and the bacteria is also craving food so is beginning to react.
They asked me why I hadn’t told them I was feeling unwell and hot.
I said I just deal with it and I have said about my throat for many days now.
They told me to tell them.. but..
They don’t believe my Lyme results and diagnosis. Dismissing it straight away.
Since being here every doctor and nurse I have spoken to about Lyme has told me; ‘ Oh that the disease that is treatable with two weeks antibiotics.’
It’s angers me so much.
I have to explain how yes that’s for people who are first bitten not for people who have had it in their system for years.
You would think I would have lots of down time and so on. Yet I don’t.. it’s true we have many hours waiting around that we could do something productive with.
Yet I am so brainfogged I can’t even begin to think about doing my Christmas, more poems for the Lyme book, colouring and my blog. I just feel so poorly.
This I have been trying to do for 2 days now.
And we are still here.
I am struggling to text from blurry eyes, I can’t watch telly as it just reminds me I am not home and I can’t read from lack of concentration.
The fact I have so many jobs to do and never managed to finish my Christmas shopping is really getting me down too.
I wanted to have a really fun Christmas, enjoying the Christmas markets, lights, mulled wine, Christmas movies and family time and I now can’t .. it’s crushing. Yet again we miss out. So for me Christmas is cancelled.
I will ensure all my family members and friends get their Christmas gifts 🎁 even if it’s after Christmas.
For me though this time of joy is turning into a time of total nightmare.
I always find it easier to avoid and ignore things that hurt me immensely because I don’t want to keep feeling and being reminded of that hurt.
When you feel alien and invisible in normal day life then you come to a place that’s even further away from your reality it’s scary. And learning how to cope and deal with these surroundings is another challenge in itself.
**
So many people stay here for months but that would literally kill me off. I couldn’t do that.
I have things to do!
I don’t even know how I am going to hack a few weeks let alone months.
This place is hell.
Thank god I can blog off my phone.
As I can’t access the internet and google at all.
Yet it’s very hit and miss with not having a phone charger I am having to conserve as much battery as I can.
I miss everyone and everything .
I don’t think my mood has ever been lower.
I am trying to treat this as a swimming camp.. but there at least I felt at home. Here is definitely not home.
It’s the worst place on Earth.
It will be nice to see some friendly faces later yet I am embarrassed that they have to see me in this state of depression and pain.
I hope you all have a lovely weekend.
Enjoy EVERYTHING you can and life has to offer.
S
Xoxo