The theory of the brave face.
We all want to be jolly and full of laughs all the time. It’s not always that easy. You are battling through so much pain.
You do a few hours at an event and then you hit the wall. You need to go home- end of.
Your pain has got to much and your fatigue is way to heavy to handle.
The smile needs a break.
I have done two social events this weekend.
Two parties- the most I have done in a month.
It was good to see everyone and the best enjoying time with my best friends who I have let down more than half a dozen times in recent weeks alone.
However, with still feeling so poorly, you question if you came across ok, were you a bore, did people see behind your smile, do people understand.
You re-live everything and your anxieties get the better of you.
Did you bore people?
Did you say the wrong things?
Did you look ok?
The list goes on.
We have to try and remove these annoying thoughts and replace them. With positive successes. That you were present. People will think and judge how they wish. You can’t change their thoughts so don’t worry about something you can’t change. You have enough to worry about.
I was so worried about looking like death and ‘ill’ even though it is the season and holiday for the walking dead. I still felt I needed tinted moisturiser on to look ok. I didn’t want people judging me.
**
My best friend who dropped me off after the first party on Friday night said to me, I know you are going to unlock your front door, probably break down and crash. He was right. I do.
He knew how much effort it had taken me to be all smiles and socialise. Seeing through my smile.
Without my close friends there though I would 100 percent not have coped.
They ensured they made conversation, they got into the spirit with their outfits, they stayed close by me and engaged with how I was feeling.
Having their support meant the absolute world.
***
Now I have crashed today.
Having a rough night and my pain levels being very high.
I have not been as productive as I would have hope to be but I have done as much as I can handle.
This weekend is proof of how valuable a strong support system really is.
Especially on Friday night when Ellie, Adele and Jacob were making me laugh, I felt more like myself than I have done in weeks.
It didn’t matter that I turned up late or left early. I stayed long enough 2 hours and enjoyed those two hours. I didn’t over-do it and then begin regretting attending.
Saturday night - I was a little too tired and my head was way to foggy for the card games but I sat and watched. Just listening. Luckily having Matthew kindly driving us so we weren’t tied to times or relying on public transport in the cold. I took my cushions for the car for spine support and Matthew ensured the car was warm so I didn’t get cold.
It’s the little things that put you at ease and allow you to comfortably attend.
Am I upset I wasn’t the last man standing or the first at the door?
Normally I would be.
But I definitely am not upset today.
I experienced the parts of the events which I wanted to and that is a fact I must be grateful for.
Yes I am feeling off today and probably will do for a few days but like I said I saw friends and went to events I was sure I would decline to attend or have been unable to attend.
So victories all around.
My thanks go to my number 1’s,
- Ellie
- Adele
-Jacob
-Matthew
- Alex
-Jennet
And of course Mama who always offers words of wisedom and support that is incredibly valuable. She always washes away my anxieties and worries when I express them.
To you all I am incredibly grateful.
Thank you.
Here are a few memories-
I hope you all enjoyed a spooky Halloween weekend with lots of lovely memories to look back on.
Big hugs
S
Xoxo