More than ever I have been a nightmare when it comes to commiting to plans.
This is purely not in my DNA and I hate that it is becoming more of a staple trait of being unreliable within my life. I have always aimed to be a loyal, reliable person who honours her commitments.
Recently however it is causing me so much heartache and hurt when I have having to say no, leave early, cancel and let friends down.
When your life feels like it is falling apart too you want to be around loved ones and distractions to prove there is still life. A life to enjoy.
I really, really don’t want to cause any hurt to my friends and family and I know at times it does which does really upset me. On top of the upset of not being able to go, take part and miss out.
I am known and guilty of a lot of the time saying yes when I should say no.
Why do I do this?
Pushing aside the fact that I want to honour my commitments there are other factors.
1. You don’t want your friends to reach the point that they don’t ask you out anymore. Your friends and their events give you meaning and really cheer you up ( when you are well enough ). You don’t want this life line being frozen out.
2. Isolation and the same four walls. Despite not feeling on top form you feel that a different change of scene may help you.
3. You don’t want to miss out. You miss out on so much in life as it is you refuse to keep missing out. You don’t want to feel like you are simply surviving you want to feel like you do indeed have a life and are living. Experiencing things and creating memories.
4. You don’t want people judging you. Judging you in all senses as well as being a bore. Nobody wants to hang out with someone with zero personality and lacks the fun factor.
5. So they don’t just think you survive within four walls. That you do indeed leave the house.
6. That you respect, appreciate and want to spend time with them. As you love them so dearly and are so grateful for their support that you don’t want them feeling unappreciated and unloved back.
7. You don’t want to be a diva being difficult with time frames, locations and so on. So you try and go with the flow and end up pushing it too far by going for too long or being too far away from home.
8. You simply want to be normal.
9. The mind jumps in with a yes believing you are the same person you once were and which it knows. Whilst your body rings the alarm. You ignore its signs and signals, listening to your mind and heart instead. You are still in denial that you have to pace now.
10. You don’t want to fade into the shadows and be forgotten.
We cancel not to be awkward but because we are learning. We have to pick our plans wisely. To make the most of life and limit pain flare ups. It kills us having to turn down offers and opportunities and believe me it’s heartbreaking for us to come to terms with along with yourselves.
As much as this is another upsetting problem that comes with chronic illness we have to look at the positives - that this encourages us to listen to our bodies more and learn the art of pacing.
Remember that it’s not about doing everything! Just do the things you can do with all you have got and you will gain so much more from the experiences.
I am extremely lucky to have friends and family whom understand and try their best to be flexible and work with me. I am very grateful to them for that and I love them so dearly.
Make sure you give yourself healing time and enjoy the times you can share with friends and family. Be open and honest with them, is key. If you want them to understand - give them the chance.
Love always
S
Xoxo