Okay, so I have been home a little while now.
Though maybe I have not being as open or spoken about my feelings and symptoms recently.
It was lovely going into work today and being told I look better in my face with the weight I have managed to gain. This is amazing as I have been eating as many nuts as I can.
However my health isn't and is far from being stable at the minute.
I went through pure hell last week to gain more foods in my vaccines but my body is struggling. My extremely high positive Lyme result means more than ever my body is under serious attack. Under my skin I can't see the damage they continue to achieve.
My symptoms have heightened and changed in the last few weeks. I am really struggling to walk & be out for any length of time. I am struggling with burning feets - the pain radiates up my legs and my joint & spine ache like crazy. I can't explain the pain. Though when you think you can't possibly take any more you adapt and get on with it.
I am unable to bounce back like I used to be able to. My fatigue is so high and my immune system is taking such a battering that my liver is inflamed and being overworked trying to flush out all of the toxins.
Now simple tasks I used to do, now get put off or left. I can't even face them.
My memory is becoming a little bit of an issue. I often miss parts of my days and try my best to re-read texts or look at social media to try and piece the puzzle together.
I am truly being challeneged at the moment.
I am basically living in bed - which is my nightmare.
But
What can I do? I can't?
One hour being out tires me so much. Brain fog and panic sets in. I am gone - no longer really in the room. Again heartbreaking. You are 23 but struggling to do easy & basic tasks. You can enjoy life like you should be doing.
My body is not strong enough yet for the next stage.
Boy I need a rest. I really do.
I have been very tearful since returning home because I do feel awful and this fight is fricking tough.
When does the rain pass ? When do I get to dance in the sun?
As well with it being summer my favourite time of the year I want to be out and about, on the plane, taking on new adventures, ebony with friends, events and more.
When I was experiencing my roughest moment last week, all I could hear in my mind was Forrest Gump ( one of my fave films) the quote;
' life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.'
My brave face - I'm a pro.
But it's going to be a tough few weeks accepting the extra help ( wheelchair, taxis, smaller events) .
It's a lot to accept and take in.
To accept you do need rest and it's ok to rest.
To accept that really in do need the wheelchair for any longer events & walks.
I do need an arm to lean on when walking.
Along with the pain and the fact that I have to adapt my whole life around this. It's not an over night miracle job ( if only ).
For now I am just fighting through everyday the best way I can and know how.
I think I am doing well. Many whom would find themselves in this kind of situation would probably crumble & not be able to accept or deal with the day to day 'life' of endless bottles of pills, vaccines, too exhausted to do anything, unable to think straight and pain.
There is no rule book nor is there an instruction manual on how to deal with these hard times & tests that life throws at us.
We have to learn ourselves.
One of my favourite quotes; 'knowledge is power.' Really does fall into place here. We have to do endless research and learn as much as we can to help ourselves.
We all make mistakes. That's life.
There are mistakes I do regret but we have to see them as learning curbs and use them as stepping stones to grow and develop.
I may have a few blips where I may rest and crumble but that doesn't mean I have given up or surrendered in the fight.
I just need to let out the hurt & pain so that I can pick that sword back up, more motivated and inspired.
I am lucky to have the most amazing support network. Which I am most grateful for.
We must all remember -
' Life's like a box of chocolates - we never know what we are going to get.'
This is part of my story.
A story still in many ways untold though will eventually be.
S
Xoxo